tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
