Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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