Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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