The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
i wish my penis had a tongue
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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