Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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