seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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