Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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