I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
