The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
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