I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
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No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
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Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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