im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
