This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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