god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
