I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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