went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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