I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
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