your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Randomize
