She is in my trunk
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
