Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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