I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize
