Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
