Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
