So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
