Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
