ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
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