you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
