I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
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