evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.