i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
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Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
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And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.