Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.