Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.