I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
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i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
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I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
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