Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
