i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
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