I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
