i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
