He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I think your dad took our porno
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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