she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
