He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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