All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
