I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Oh god it's open bar.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
