I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
