Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
