why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
