Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
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just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
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He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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