So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I skipped work to stalk him.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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