i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Randomize
