i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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