Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
