you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
