I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Randomize
