you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Randomize
