I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
