worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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