Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
