He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
