i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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