tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
