im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
