If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
