She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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